Coldpassion's Weblog

Am I the only one that played a part in this?

coldpassion — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 10:04:13 +0000

So I’m remembering “back in the day” (not that I’m that old mind you) when I was well, let’s say easy on the eyes and frankly just plain easy! I thought I was having so much fun. Little did I know what it would do to my already self conscious and insecure self later in life. I take full responsibility for my actions. I must also place some blame on the people that in a way took advantage of the cute drunk girl. I find myself hating those people. As with most others, I change drastically when under the influence of intoxicating substances. When sober I have a heart open to the world, friendship willling to be offered to anyone that needs it, an honest true friendship that doesn’t exist anymore, all in all inside I’m a genuine really good person that honestly cares. The ways I degrated myself and let other people do also just makes me sick. I know now that I didn’t have to be that girl. I took a few drinks from that ugly bottle and emerged as someone else. Someone that brought all of it on herself really. Maybe I was a good piece of ass…if you had to look for “the drunk girl” for that then you probably didn’t deserve a good piece of ass anyway! The more I think about it the sadness turns into anger and I feel my heart turn cold. Those people thought they used me, but I think I’ve figured out that it was just the opposite. Hell, I used them. I used them to get through another lonely night. Then after they were gone the next day I could forget about being lonely until the next weekend arrived. They called me…it was me that didn’t return their calls. I wouldn’t have even remembered their names had it not been for the answering machine that screened their calls. Please don’t think for one second that I’m proud of my actions. They disappoint me, embarrass me, make me feel totally ashamed of myself…because not only am I better than that now I was then too. But just to make myself feel a little better in this moment of thought, here’s to you…………….

So lost in the world, in the eyes, in time. Who is she? A mother, a friend, a drunk whore. What’s that light? It’s coming from her eyes…her soul. Look closely, listen intensely. You could hear it, even see it. It’s in there to be shown, to be seen, to be heard. She’s nobody. Yet such a somebody. Even a hero…to someone. Do you think she enjoys fucking you? She only enjoys your warmth through the night. Don’t flatter yourself! It will be someone else next week. There’s no pain that way. Just arms in the night and goodbye in the moring. She won’t even remember your name. Get over yourself. You think you used her? Think again you bastard.

Damn, now that felt good!

Happiness…to be or not to be?

coldpassion — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 06:12:17 +0000

The last thing I wanted to do on here is just constantly complain…..I do get to vent though, right?

Happiness for me has always been just out of my reach it seems. Not because others have not tried to make me happy. They have. It’s the classic..it’s not you, it’s me. I’m not only speaking in regards to relationships here. It’s been since I was young. It’s almost as if I have never allowed myself to be happy. I wonder, though, how can a child not allow herself to be happy? That to me just doesn’t seem likely. I’ve toyed with the possibility of having a true, clinical depression. Not the kind of depression that is just a word overused by so many people today. Medication handed out left and right to people that are “depressed” when the truth is they are unhappy, maybe had a bad day, broke up with an s/o, spent a little too much money shopping, ya know? I mean how can medicine fix that? The word depression is worn as a badge of honor to many people looking for sympathy when so many others truly have it and can’t overcome it. I’m rambling now I guess. It’s hard to know the truth is all I’m saying when today people are paid to say such a thing that really isn’t true. How do people seperate true depression from sadness when it’s a label given out so freely?

Tumbling

coldpassion — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 08:27:46 +0000

I find myself wondering if this cold, rainy day has anything to do with so many of my thoughts trying to escape my mind all at the same time. I have decided that I will try to get involved with blogging. I never would have thought that years after hearing the advice to “write down your thoughts” I would actually do it. Tonight I will sit back and just think. Think about how to do this. Decide what it is I may be searching for with this attempt I am making.